HAPPY HAPPY HALLOWEEN VI

As those who have have been hanging around here for the past few years know, the approach of Halloween means that the time has come once again for the B-Movie Catechism to present it’s annual suggestions for cheap and easy to make costumes based on some of the movies we’ve discussed over the past twelve months. We offer this yearly service to help out those Christians who might find many of the costumes offered in the stores to be either a bit too demonic or (as is becoming more or more likely these days) just too uncomfortably close to being nude to wear to their church’s annual Scarecrow Carnival or Hallowed Be Thy Name Festival, and would prefer something with a little more spiritual meaning behind it (even if, in most instances, you have to look pretty hard to find said meaning) without resorting to the usual shepherds, angels, or nuns (not that Sister Julie thinks there’s anything wrong with a nun costume here or there).

To start things off, here’s one you want find in any store. It’s everybody’s favorite giant monster from Denmark, REPTILICUS! Now I can hear you asking, just how exactly is someone supposed to dress up like a Godzilla-sized flying snake that spits acidic loogies? Well, the answer is simple… any way you want to. You see, no matter what you come up with, it’s going to look better than the pathetic creature that actually appeared in the movie, a creation widely acknowledged as one of the worst special effects ever committed to celluloid. Still, if you need some help with the design, we suggest you dress all in black from head to toe and then simply make yourself a paper bag dragon puppet or a dragon sock puppet to wear on your arm. Trust us, it won’t look any worse than what the Danes put onscreen. Plus, when people ask just what it is you’re supposed to be, you can explain all about the origins of your outfit and maybe even bring up the questions Reptilicus raises about miracles. (P.S. You can also recycle this costume and use it as part of a VBS skit on the fall of man in Genesis. How you handle the pre-fig leaf Adam and Eve is your own problem though.)

If you don’t have time for arts and crafts and would prefer something you can just throw together from stuff in the attic, then here’s the perfect getup for you. Although, there’s not much to be had in the way of costumes in INCUBUS, all you really need to dress up as the virtuous ex-soldier Marc is an everyday black long-sleeved t-shirt, an overcoat, and a good amount of hair gel. Oh, and a William Shatner impersonation. C’mon, everybody’s got one, so go ahead and let yours rip. After all, as Incubus showed us, there’s nothing like the irony in hearing the suave tones of the ever amorous Captain Kirk giving an impassioned plea for no sex before marriage. And you don’t have to stop there. Why not treat the world to Shatner quoting from the Bible. Sure, he’s Jewish, so to keep things honest you’d have to stick with the Old Testament, but wouldn’t that still be great? “I… the LORD… am your God… who… brought you out of the land of Egypt, that… place… of slavery. You… shall not… have other gods besides… me.” Bonus points if you sing-speak it.

Now unlike Incubus, there is no shortage of costume ideas in our next film because there are a veritable pants load of monsters to be found in NIGHTBREED. Unfortunately, unless you’ve got access to a professional makeup artist and a special effects crew, chances are pretty slim that you’ll be able to dress up as one of the varied citizens of Midian. Well, except for maybe Ohnaka. You remember him don’t you? He’s that effeminate dude who dresses like a reject from a Pride parade and carries around a Boston Terrier all the time. Pretty much all you would need to dress up as Ohnaka is a bald wig (assuming you’re not already hairless), a few temporary tattoos, some clip-on nipple rings, and a tiny dog, preferably of the shake-and-pee variety. A warning, though. Considering how the Catechism states that “life and physical health are precious gifts entrusted to us by God. We must take reasonable care of them.”, it would probably be wise to take care what neighborhoods you plan to wear this costume in, as a walk through the wrong ones could get you a thump up side the head. On the plus side, a little personal harassment could always serve as a reminder that we should treat those with certain inclinations in the way the Catechism suggests, “with respect, compassion, and sensitivity. Every sign of unjust discrimination in their regard should be avoided.”

If that sounds just a bit too heavy for what has basically become a kids holiday, then why not just stick with a classic monster? For this one, all you need to do is grab an old red tarp, spray some shellac on it, and, tah dah, you’re THE BLOB! If you think about it, it’s the perfect costume for Halloween because it gives you the excuse to glide and slide and creep and leap around, all the time eating everything you see. And if someone happens to complain as their bag of treats disappears into your maw, then just tell them you’re giving them a demonstration on the evils of the capital vice of gluttony. They’ll buy that one, right?

Well, that should help out the more adventurous of you with your costumes this year. Have fun, but be sure not to let the next morning’s candy induced stomach ache keep you away from mass on All Saints Day. Happy Happy Halloween everyone.